General Life

The Anxiety Monster

So I promised that I would start writing more about myself and things that are currently happening in my life, good and bad. 

Can I start by saying anxiety is a bitch? Like really, an absolute bitch. 

I’ve talked about this fleetingly before, but I have struggled with anxiety on an off now for about 7 years or so after the separation of my parents. Hitting all-time lows in my first and final year of university where I was unable to enter lecture rooms or even get in my car to drive. I’ve attended multiple different counselling sessions and Cognitive Behavioural Therapy to try and help get to the source and to combat those horrible icky feelings when they arise.

7 Years later I thought I would be cured. That the magical smell of lavender, fidget cubes, grounding exercises and deep breathing would get me through everything and anything. Unfortunately it doesn’t seem to work that way, and you know what…it is extremely frustrating and I’m fed up of feeling like this. 

Whether it’s a car journey to the airport, walking into somewhere new for the first time, meeting new people or something as simple as food portion sizes. Some days I could fight the world, other times I can’t even look at it without feeling like I may throw up and/or faint. 

Anxiety is super limiting, it delays opportunities, it affects you both physically, mentally and emotionally. I fear if I ever have to leave my current job because I am petrified of going somewhere new where everything is foreign and strange, however I don’t fear flying by myself? On the topic of flying give me an early morning flight or an evening flight, I will almost immediately take the evening one where my anxiety feels non-existent, compared to the feeling of I might die or collapse on an early morning flight. I would rather fly out the evening before and pay for a hotel than fly in the morning, which is not always an option. 

The mind is a bit of an enigma, I’m not too sure how it works and about the decisions it makes but god sometimes I wish it would give me a break. I am lucky that I have such amazing friends who are extremely patient and understanding and instantly know when I’m feeling anxious or nervous. I can be hard work when I’m anxious so I’m always appreciative of the distractions, the laughter and the comfort of knowing that they don’t hate me and that they are doing everything in their power to help. 

So really this is just a bit of a moan post, and to show people who may also be experiencing anxiety that you aren’t alone, and I know that it sucks. I always say baby steps and maybe instead of pushing myself so forcefully into situations I should just take a step back and take every day as it comes. Also if you don’t experience anxiety just be patient, some of us are trying really hard to overcome a lot of demons, fears and pain. We’ll get there eventually. 

If you’ve experienced anxiety what have been remedies or exercises that have worked for you? 

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