Needy Much?

Needy Much?

Is being needy a dealbreaker?

I was reading a book recently, a complete non-fiction romantic comedy called “Dumped Actually” by Nick Spalding. The story follows the main character proposing, being turned down and subsequently starting a blog in which, he asks readers how he is to move on? From getting a glow-up, to camping in the woods, to confronting his ex and more.

I wasn’t expecting to connect with this book as much as I did but certain points within the story the similarities hit me. There was a point in the book where the main character makes a realization about his emotions, how quickly he moved in relationships and his underlying neediness.

Which got me thinking. Is being needy a dealbreaker in a relationship?

I spoke briefly to a friend the other day concerning this and she said, “Have you ever heard of the Anxiety Attachment theory?”

Anxiety Attachment

There is a style and theory that this relates to which I only recently discovered. Anxious attachment types or people are often nervous and stressed about their relationships in life. Whether this is a friendship, romantic relationship or within their family, there is a need for constant reassurance and affection. It also means that this person may struggle being alone or single and may succumb to an unhealthy or abuse relationship.

DING DING DING

Even just typing that out again the recognition and bells going off in my head are getting louder by the second.

On the other side you have the Avoid Attachment.

Avoid Attachment

Extremely independent, self-directed, and sometimes may be uncomfortable with intimacy. They can also be considered commitment-phobes and most of the times will already have an exit strategy planned.

There is also an Anxious-Avoidant attachment style

“The fearful type”

This type can lash out emotionally at anyone who tries to get close to them, and often spend much of their time alone, or in abusive/dysfunctional relationships.  There is a small percentage of the population that qualifies as this type and they will typically have other emotional problems in their life contributing to this (I.e. Substance abuse, depression etc.)

So is being needy a dealbreaker?

I think in a relationship whether romantic or within a friendship there needs to be open communication where this can be discussed. The current state of mental health within this generation and the next one is slowly declining. Though there is more understanding, more research, and more help available now than there ever has been before I think now more than ever we have to continue to speak as openly about it as we can both privately and in public.

An open communication means that you can work through the walls that your partner or yourself may have built up because of a hurtful or traumatic experience. That you can discuss your reasoning for your outpouring of emotions or lack thereof. Neediness can be linked to so many different areas in your life and I think it’s unfair of someone to make a judgement of you based of them not necessarily understanding why you may need so much reassurance, why you feel lonely or why you check in with them often.

I do think there are certain levels of neediness that can become unhealthy and lead into more dangerous aspects such as stalking, suicide, depression, or aggression. However, I think if partners, friends, and people in general were open to discussing this and working with each other to reassure the other that their feelings are relevant and have been heard.  

What do you think? Would neediness be a dealbreaker in your relationship? Are you the needy one?

Reference from the following articles and some further reading on the Attachment theories:

https://markmanson.net/attachment-theory

https://www.anxiety.org/anxious-attachment-how-parental-behavior-affects-adult-intimate-relationships

You can also find Dumped Actually available on the kindle for free on Amazon:

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