What a better way to ruin a night out than not being able to finish your food, receiving questioning glances from the waiters/waitresses, friends offering to finish your plate off as well and the daunting question of “Was there something wrong with the dish?”
There are so many phobias in this world. Some larger than others. Mine always seems so silly, and I constantly get asked about my size, my weight and why I am such a picky eater. It’s not that I don’t have an appetite, because most of the time I’ll really enjoy eating and sometimes I’m so hungry that I’ll want to scoff the whole plate! It’s not that I have an eating disorder (a question I’ve been asked on numerous occasions) and it’s not that I am such a picky eater that I won’t eat anything.
I always say it’s like a have a miniscule stomach. So, no matter how much I want to clear my plate, how much I want to be able to eat out, when a restaurant sets a large portion in front of me that’s when the panic sets in. I have my list of restaurants that I deem Hayley friendly, or at least Hayley portion friendly. Whenever possibly I will always try and order a starter as my main, the portion size is usually perfect and it means I can sit and enjoy my meal without worrying about leaving most of it on the plate because the portion was too big for my tiny stomach.
Whilst in Guernsey with family a few years ago, I applauded the fact one of the restaurants we went to on the menu had a section that was Children’s sized portion for Adults. If every restaurant ever could have this or accommodate for smaller adult sized portions then I would be a very happy diner.
I have never really understood the fear, maybe it’s the questions, or the fact when I’m finished eating it looks like I have hardly touched anything on my plate. I feel so embarrassed sometimes and more often than not I either have to hide food under other bits of food, pop it onto someone else’s plate, hide it in a napkin in my bag or pop to the loo because I feel like I’m going to be sick. It’s a bit of an emotional turmoil which is why I’ve always said that I would never go to a restaurant for a date, the nerves on top of my anxiety would be overwhelming.
Food and I have always had a bit of a strange relationship. Sometimes I love it, sometimes I hate it. I eat a lot of junk food but thanks to my seemingly fast metabolism it never seems to affect my weight or how I look. The most frustrating is, that I try really hard to eat as much as I can, I could clear my plate every day this week but would see no increase on the scales, no gain in weight. However, if I miss a meal, or eat less for a meal on a night out then I will drop in weight. I know this is a first world problem and I should be happy about my weight and my figure but there are some con’s when it comes to being small and slight. Finding clothes that fit, being able to work out without fear of disappearing or losing even more weight that I don’t want to lose and mistaking the thinness for an eating disorder. Am I confident in my figure? Sometimes, if I style my clothes a certain way or I’m having a particularly good day.
Sometimes though, especially when I can’t finish a meal my confidence drops, I can see my ribs, I can see my hip bones sticking out, I can’t fit into my clothes and I hate that I’m so thin. These days happen though and you battle through them onto a better day.
I’ve never really seen anyone talk about this topic before and I just wanted to discuss my feelings and thoughts as well as let people know that it’s ok. It’s ok if you can’t finish a meal, it’s ok if you just want to order a starter. If your stomach can’t handle another bite then just stop. There has been times where I have tried to force myself into eating more when really I know I should just set the knife and fork down and call it a night. I’ve paid for this later on.
My friends are always very supportive and most of them are glad to have extra nibbles when I am unable to finish a meal. They make me feel more comfortable and I know I won’t get a telling off if I can’t eat it all. They are just happy that I’m eating and enjoying it.
Generally I just wanted to put a post up about something that resonates a lot with me and maybe to help others that may be in the same situation and don’t know how to feel or act. Never be afraid, and never push yourself! Eat for yourself and not others. I’m working on expanding my appetite and stomach slowly but surely, some days are better than others and that is ok <3